Tag Archives: Dating

The risks of missionary dating

CanYouDate

Did you know that “missionary dating” has a page in Wikipedia?

I didn’t before, but I do now.

It’s a term that is loosely applied any time a person of one faith (usually Christian) dates a person of another faith (or no faith at all).  The phrase itself implies a planned, intentional desire to convert that may have been true once upon a time, but… today, I think a lot of folks start dating without giving the idea of a person’s faith much thought.

Any consideration of conversion or evangelistic efforts is secondary, if present at all.

Is there any risk or downside to being careless with whom we date when it comes to faith in God or religion?  Can someone be drawn away from God just as easily as another might be drawn to God through a romantic connection?

Wikipedia quotes 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 which includes the warning about being “unequally yoked” with someone that isn’t on the same page with you spiritually.

In Old Fashioned, when Clay and Amber first meet they are not “equally yoked” in the strictest sense.  And this causes some genuine tension and serious misunderstandings between them.

By the end of the film, both of them do indeed end up at a place with God, individually, that has them in a much better position to pursue something romantically, together.  But it’s not an easy road and much pain could have been avoided by having some direct and intentional conversations up front, at the very beginning.

But life isn’t always as neat and tidy as it should be… and all of us are prone to not pay close enough attention at the start of a wide variety of things.  Even though we know better.

Today though, I think the consequences of being careless are rapidly becoming greater than they may have been in the recent past.  With a lot of common moral ground quickly eroding and the explosion of the hook-up culture and even the debate over sexual mores within many Christian churches…

Knowing who you are, what you believe, and what you want is possibly more important now than ever.

And there is indeed great wisdom in putting all our cards on the table up front—before our emotions (or more) become entangled with someone that really doesn’t want the same things out of life that we do.

Yes, there are always exceptions.  Some people of different faiths have had great marriages.  Some people of the same faith have gotten divorced.

It’s not about guarantees.  It’s about being obedient and putting yourself and others in the best possible position to live a life of greatest usefulness to God an in service to the needs of a broken and hurting world.

Think about that the next time some Fifty Shades of Grey poster asks you if you’re… Curious?

That’s the oldest trick in the book.  Literally…

– Rik

 

The love shoebox

In Old Fashioned, one of the most charming and creative ways that Amber brings a spark of spontaneity into Clay’s life is through an ordinary shoebox decorated by her hand.

It is carefully crafted.  It bears his name.  It calls him to choose.

Inside the box are little scraps of paper with inventive and unexpected date ideas for the two of them the experience with one another.  He’s only allowed to pick on at a time; and, no peeking is allowed.

I don’t want to give away much more because what would be the fun in that?

But with Valentine’s Day right around the corner… some of you might be looking for romantic ideas to share with the object of your affection.

Maybe you just met someone new and are looking for ways to make your time together intentional and create opportunities to really get to know one another at a deeper level…

Maybe you’ve been married for a while and are looking to spice things up…

Maybe you’re still single and dreaming of the future…

In whatever state you find yourself this Valentine’s Day, it might be fun to take some time and think outside the box… think of experiences and adventures you would really like to share with someone you love and write them down… and then maybe put those ideas inside a box!  A shoebox, no less!  And decorate that shoebox with words and images that have significant and personal meaning…

And who knows, one of the ideas inside could be… see Old Fashioned in the theatre on opening weekend!

Couldn’t resist :)…

Lots of love…

– Rik

 

3 unlikely first date questions

As discussed here before, Clay Walsh—the peculiar character that runs the small, college-town antique shop from which Old Fashioned derives its title—has a lot of theories.

Here’s another:

“You know more after a job interview for delivering pizzas than you do after most dates.”

It’s one of the many, many reasons Clay has for isolating himself, not dating much at all in a long time, and not really even giving anyone a chance.  Not even the radiant Amber, who comes into town like a breeze and now rents the apartment above his shop.  And believe me, Amber is the kind of woman who deserves a chance!

Clay is a man of extremes, there’s no denying.  He is in love with his own ideas to a fault—to the point of almost missing what might be his last chance at true love.

BUT.

He has at least the makings of a point here.

When you think of the general level of conversation that happens early on in the dating process, it can be a little shallow and not reveal all that much about who someone is or what’s important to him or her.

On the other hand, job interviews do indeed often go deeper than… “What kind of music do you like?” or “Did you get that new iPhone app yet?”

For example (from actual job applications):

1. What irritates you about other people and how do you deal with it?

2. What kind of situations do you find stressful?

3. What are the steps you follow to study a problem before making a decision?

Admittedly, not very romantic.

Even so, it’s hard to not agree that the answers to even just those three questions alone might reveal quite a bit about someone.  Possibly even more than staring into a brand new love interest’s eyes over a candlelit dinner might.

Physical chemistry (what most of early modern dating begins with) is great and exhilarating and fun, but ask anyone who’s been together for any time at all and they will tell you that “the magic” ebbs and flows.  Nothing wrong with it per se, but it’s not everything.

Look, I know that dating (or courting or… whatever) isn’t a job interview; and, being a couple should never feel like an employee/employer relationship…

That said, the idea of being a little more intentional early on in a relationship is probably not a bad one… even if Clay might take it a little too far.

Just for fun, you can get a whole list of job interview questions here.

Or, for a more balanced approach to getting to know someone, you can check out some of the questions and experiences shared by Ginger Kolbaba in the official companion book to our film/novel, The Old Fashioned Way.

One final thing from the job interview process that also isn’t a bad idea to add to the dating mix as well…

References.  Always get references :)…

– Rik

 

Curious?

50ShadesVsOF1200Timing is everything.

To repeat, just for the record, it has been over a 10-year journey getting Old Fashioned to the silver screen.  Not an uncommon story in the making of many films, but still…

From the initial idea to eventually writing the script and raising the money… all the way up to learning that Fifty Shades of Grey was releasing their film as a mainstream, romantic date-night movie… and deciding to wait and release our film on the same weekend—Valentine’s Day 2015.

More than ten years.

I mention the time frame—again—because it’s important to reiterate that Fifty Shades of Grey wasn’t even on our radar during the years we were developing and financing Old Fashioned.

We didn’t set out to make Old Fashioned as a response to any other book or movie… we were simply trying to craft a love story that was God-honoring and took a counter-cultural approach to many of the sexual mores of contemporary American society.

Even so, when the opportunity arose to release our film at the same time… well, that was and is a deliberate choice for which we make no apology.  We think it’s a great chance to engage culture in a discussion about that world we are creating, for ourselves and those that follow.

And this opportunity only became available to us because of… timing.  And, more specifically, I would say… God’s timing.

All the delays, struggles, “almosts” and the wide variety of hurdles we had to overcome to get our film made and ultimately released in theatres nationally—the very kinds of things that can easily make one question God—I now honestly believe were all placed there by God.

“For such a time as this” as the Scripture goes.

This really hit me hard recently as I was walking through some airports and movie houses…

Curious?

The big, seductive, cinematic ad entices.  And it’s everywhere.  Fifty Shades calling out to all those who walk by… including families with little children, young girls on the brink of womanhood, high school boys looking for role models, married couples getting bored with each other…

Curious about what?

Things that will lead to wholeness and a greater sense of self-worth?  Things that will create more healing in our hearts and less emotional damage?  Things that will inspire us to live up to our best natures?

Or… ?

We live in a sex-obsessed culture.  It is undeniable.  Hooking up has virtually become a national pastime.  We worship physical beauty and pleasure and amusement and anyone who denies that just isn’t paying attention or is being willfully blind.  I’m not saying that it’s worse than any other time in human history, but it is increasingly becoming more obvious and with the unending advance of technology, increasingly relentless and hard to avoid.

All that said, throwing stones at the obvious doesn’t really help anyone.

And the truth is that we also live in a time when any kid with access to a computer and no parental supervision can see—in about three seconds—far worse than whatever the film version of Fifty Shades will offer.

So what’s the big deal?

As I’ve commented before, it’s precisely the coy, cultural grin and collective “no big deal” attitude and embrace of Fifty Shades that is what sets it apart—especially once they made the decision to release the film on Valentine’s Day and mass market it as an aspirational romantic option.

Still, when an erotic novel trilogy sells over 100 million copies worldwide, it’s clear that it is offering something that people want.  Why shouldn’t filmmakers try and get a piece of that action?

We live in a free society, and I’m grateful for that.  No one is calling for censorship or a boycott or anything like that at all.  We are merely exercising our right to challenge the status quo and offer up a choice that—we believe—considers a more beautiful and noble way of approaching love and romance.

The stories to which we give our time and money and lift up for adulation… those stories will eventually shape who we are and what we become.  That’s a sobering thought.

When it comes to racism and bigotry in film and literature… the importance and power of this is (thankfully) realized universally.

But what do we really want for ourselves, romantically?  What do we truly hope for those that are closest to us, that we care most about?  What kind of legacy do we want to leave for those that follow?

We’re not saying that Old Fashioned is perfect or that everyone has to agree with every choice made by Clay and Amber (the very human and flawed lead characters in our film), but our story is one that is honestly searching for more than exploitation or objectification… and that matters.

This Valentine’s Day weekend is a chance to make a statement.

We hope and pray you will join us in our David v. Goliath stand-off against a cultural juggernaut that has way more in terms of money and media access than we can even imagine.  We sure can’t do it alone…

You can find our current list of theatrical markets here.

Chivalry can indeed make a comeback… if enough people genuinely want it to.

– Rik

 

“I have a theory…”

In Old Fashioned, Clay Walsh is a man with many noble theories on love and romance… but it’s been years since he’s even had a date so it’s no wonder even his closest friends give him a hard time:

Why don’t you just crawl back under that antique shop and make-up some more theories you never test-out at the grown up table anymore.

When the captivating, wild child that is Amber Hewson shows up out of nowhere and rents the apartment above that antique shop, Clay is confronted with someone new who not only wants to actually know more about his theories but also truly inspires him to dust them off and indeed “test-out” those theories in the real world.

So what are these theories of Clay’s and where did I—as the writer—ever come up with some of them?

Well, the theories of Clay are legion and could probably fill 30 blogs, easy.  I’ve written about some of them before.  His theory about never being alone with any woman that’s not his wife here; and a little background on some interviews I did that helped shape another of his theories about how our culture trains us to be good dates (but not necessarily good mates) here.

For this post, I’ll pick another one:

Nothing magical happens when you walk down the aisle… like it or not, what we do when we single is what we’ll do when we’re married.

Now, I can’t really point to a specific moment in my own life or a book I’ve read or a sermon I’ve heard that put that idea in my head, but as I sat down to write Old Fashioned and was reflecting on my own romantic choices and some of the marriages I’d already seen unravel… I started thinking… connecting the dots.

And ultimately, I realized that a lot of it just comes down to basic common sense.

No analogy is perfect—especially one tied to sports—but I beseech thee, kind readers, allow me this one indulgence…

It’s a common anecdote in coaching to teach your athletes that you can only play in the game as hard as you practice.  If you don’t push and stretch yourself during your prep, most of the time you’re not magically going to play amazingly on game day.  That’s not how it works.  And, as someone who used to be a competitive long-distance runner, I know this to be true first hand.

But when it comes love and marriage, it seems like we have a disconnect.  Like this reality simply doesn’t apply.

If you live your life as a careless single person, flirting and sleeping around and/or playing fast and loose with the hearts of others… and never even attempt to discipline yourself to live with intention or consider the fact that how you’re “practicing” while single may indeed affect how you “play” once married, well, in my mind, that’s simply foolish.

And you could apply this to finances or volunteerism or health and personal development as well.  Even your relationship with God.  Most singles would benefit to reflect on this for at least a moment… considering themselves and also in regard to discerning what it is that most attracts them to the person they’re currently dating (or hoping to) and comparing that with what qualities the genuinely want in a spouse.

Of course we all continue to grow and change throughout life.  And yes, some people do take a huge step toward maturity after marriage and develop new patterns.

But sometimes they don’t.  And I’ve seen the wreckage.

So… when shaping the character of Clay—and his commitment (admittedly to a fault) to live his life with intention and thoughtfulness—I thought that this was a theory worth including.

Bottom line, the idea is that it’s not about being consumed with thoughts of what marriage is going to provide for you… but doing all you can, well in advance, to train and practice and strive to bring the very best of yourself into marriage.   For the sake of the other.

If a sporting event is worth that kind of effort, certainly a marriage is.

That’s Clay’s theory, anyway.

And personally, I think he might be onto something…

– Rik

 

Christian Singles, Marriage, and the Danger of Sexual Atheism

sexualatheism

There is an article that is making the rounds right now that has a lot of people talking about singles in the church, sex, and the erosion of biblical standards.

Clearly, this is Old Fashioned territory…

Author Kenny Luck really goes after what he calls “sexual atheism” among many self-described Christian singles today and begins by including this little tidbit:

In a recent study conducted by ChristianMingle.com, Christian singles between the ages of 18 to 59 were asked, “Would you have sex before marriage?” The response? Sixty-three percent of the single Christian respondents indicated yes.

63%.  Does this surprise you?

It does me.  Or it did.  Now that we are having some advance sneak peek screenings of Old Fashioned and I’m being involved in lots of conversations about this issue… I’m hearing more and more evidence to back up the stats from the study quoted by Luck.

I fully expected to get some push-back to the God-honoring approach to love and romance that we take in Old Fashioned (which includes, among many other things, the idea that sex is sacred and meant for marriage).  I just didn’t expect to get so much push-back from others who claim the same faith and yet don’t share the belief that physical intimacy is exclusively for marriage alone.

It’s been an interesting, eye-opening experience to say the least.  I was clearly naïve and not fully informed.  Luck continues:

To say that professing or self-described Christians are becoming more liberal means that their reference point for assessing and practicing sexuality is more cultural and personal rather than biblical or spiritual. It means that they possess a low view of God and Scripture and a high view of self and culture as the key drivers of their moral and sexual behavior.

But why?  Why such a seismic shift within the church?

Culture is indeed key here, I think.  America has shifted… and it’s never easy to resist or stand against any avalanche of social change.  Bottom line is that a majority of Americans no longer believe that sex—in nearly any fashion or expression—has anything to do with morality.  It doesn’t mean we don’t still look to judge things as “good” (eco-friendly living, healthy diets) or “bad” (bigotry, racism)… we just don’t much include sex in that context (good/bad) anymore.

Ironically, it hasn’t made folks less judgmental at all… just judgmental about different things.

I personally know of a progressive, socially conscious pastor who refused to confront his worship leader—who was living with his girlfriend—because he didn’t feel it was his place to judge.  Maybe you can relate to a similar situation in your own life with a family member or friend.

But, what if that worship leader (or family member or friend) was an outspoken racist… and yet claimed to be a Christ follower?  Would that pastor, or you, hesitate to challenge or question that person?

Of course not.  In fact, you might think it your duty to do so and it possibly a sin to not say something.

There’s no denying it, when it comes to chastity or purity or sex in general, I think a lot of us are very hesitant to take any kind of stand (about anything in any way) because we don’t want to appear judgmental and/or we don’t want to end up as a punchline on The Daily Show.

And over time, that slowly affects not only the way we think… but eventually our actions.

That is how good a job American culture as a whole (politics, entertainment, and social media) has done in repositioning the sexual discussion as it relates to morality, etc.

And the how it happened, why it happened, when it happened no longer matters.  It happened.

I say this because I have great empathy for Christian singles today.  It is not easy.  In some ways, it’s never been harder.

But even with culture at large making a mockery of virtue… and often times confusing, conflicting messages coming from different branches of the Christian faith… the call of God on our lives remains the same.

Be still.  Listen.  Follow.

Check out Luck’s article in its entirety at Charisma Magazine.

– Rik

 

Science proves benefits of nice, boring guys

GoodDatesGoodMates

Before I sat down to write the very first draft of the screenplay that, many years later, would become Old Fashioned, I interviewed a wide variety of women…

Some single and never married, some divorced, some married… some younger, some older… some devoutly religious, some not…

I asked them all the same two questions.

First, I asked, “Describe to me your perfect date.”

The answers I got back were remarkably similar… he needs to be romantic and handsome, a good sense of humor is a plus, he better make me feel like a princess, it helps if he drives a nice car… even better if he has a good sound system in that car…

Nearly all of the answers revolved around idealistic romantic fantasy and some surprisingly superficial qualities in many ways.  Then, I asked the follow up:

“Describe to me your perfect mate.”

Again, the answers were remarkably similar… I want someone who is honest, faithful, good with children, good with money…

The two lists of responses to those two questions could not have been less similar.  And it really hit me like a ton of Valentine’s candy that, indeed—at least in American culture—we are much better trained to be good “dates” than good “mates.”

Movies and music and pop culture have deftly schooled us in how to be romantic, how to create a mood, how to woo and seduce and pose… we are experts at that stuff.  We are much less educated in how to prepare ourselves to be good life partners for another or even how to discern the qualities in another that would make for a good life partner for us.

That reality very much helped shape the story of Old Fashioned and the odd and curious character of Clay Walsh, especially… the kind of guy that could easily be passed over today for being a little too—in a word—boring.

Well, according to some recent scientific research, it now turns out that guys like that might not only lead to greater happiness in marriage, but also more successful careers!

No, I’m not making this up.

In a recent article in The Washington Post, Elahe Izadi boldly stakes the claim: Want to get ahead in your career?  Marry a dork.

Based on a new five-year study in Australia, it seems like our cultural over-emphasis on physical chemistry, personal charm and charisma, and/or our conditioning to be drawn to the “bad boy” or the “bad girl” may, in fact, not be the best recipe for relational bliss…

The study’s findings may have broader implications when it comes to picking partners, said Joshua Jackson, an assistant professor at Washington University.

“This might be something to suggest that people maybe should be attuned to these conscientious, more dorky, not-as-lively-or-exciting-because-they’re-rule-following people,” said Jackson, the study’s lead author. “There’s something to say in terms of the characteristics you should look for in a mate. This might not be the most obvious, but it’s important.”

Izadi half-jokingly ends the piece…

So, look, next time you’re on a date, don’t write off the boring rule-follower so quickly. You may be writing off career advancement, too.

All joking aside, whether or not it leads to career advancement or making more money, when it comes to romance… it makes sense to take the time to look more closely than just the surface.

As it says in Proverbs, “Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting…”

Learn more about the study here.

– Rik

 

15 ways we can put an end to the dishonest dating culture

15Ways

Looks like even Millennials are longing for something more when it comes to the status quo of love and romance in contemporary American culture.

Earlier this summer over at Elite Daily (The Voice of Generation-Y), a very interesting blog post gave voice to the growing dissatisfaction with the whole “dating” experience of 20-somethings.

Dare I say it… a lot of what this talented writer, Lexi Herrick, maps out here sounds downright Old Fashioned

What is the dating game, you ask? Well, you probably know it all too well. It’s the game of “let’s see who can try to act like they care less in order to get someone else to care more and then take turns.”

It’s the blurred line between how casual you are and what title you decide to designate to your romantic encounters. It’s so confusing that I often lose track and I’m sure you do, too.

What is the reason for not being able to be simple and honest? Like, “Hey, I think you’re really cute and I would like to get some coffee and giggle awkwardly at our small talk, so I can spend some extra time looking at your cute face.”

The reason it isn’t so easy is because we all play the game. Here are a few ways to put down your cards and really look at the faces that surround you without wearing your own poker face:

As Clay says in Old Fashioned“We don’t have to go around using each other, hurting each other.  It doesn’t have to be that way.”

Nope, it sure doesn’t.  And no matter what lies pop culture tries to spoon-feed us, that remains true.

And honestly, when so many “non-religious” (whatever that means) young people are clearly looking for a more beautiful way to live out their romantic lives… after being devastated and their hearts bruised and battered for lack of wise counsel or guidance or even one, single positive example of love… many of us in “the church” need to remember that much of what seems obvious or old-hat to us could be brand-new and life-changing to someone else.

It’s time we move beyond our desperate, modern need to be approved of by and/or to not offend the cultural gatekeepers and tastemakers of the day.

It’s time we get over our fear of being mocked by The Daily Beast or Cosmo or People magazine.

It’s time we all risk a little rejection for the benefit of those who are so ready to not settle for less than true love…

Read more: 15 ways we can put an end to the dishonest dating culture (check out her #8, especially).  Looks like we’re not the only ones hoping that “Chivalry makes a comeback” next Valentine’s Day… sorry, couldn’t resist…

– Rik