Tag Archives: Courtship

The risks of missionary dating

CanYouDate

Did you know that “missionary dating” has a page in Wikipedia?

I didn’t before, but I do now.

It’s a term that is loosely applied any time a person of one faith (usually Christian) dates a person of another faith (or no faith at all).  The phrase itself implies a planned, intentional desire to convert that may have been true once upon a time, but… today, I think a lot of folks start dating without giving the idea of a person’s faith much thought.

Any consideration of conversion or evangelistic efforts is secondary, if present at all.

Is there any risk or downside to being careless with whom we date when it comes to faith in God or religion?  Can someone be drawn away from God just as easily as another might be drawn to God through a romantic connection?

Wikipedia quotes 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 which includes the warning about being “unequally yoked” with someone that isn’t on the same page with you spiritually.

In Old Fashioned, when Clay and Amber first meet they are not “equally yoked” in the strictest sense.  And this causes some genuine tension and serious misunderstandings between them.

By the end of the film, both of them do indeed end up at a place with God, individually, that has them in a much better position to pursue something romantically, together.  But it’s not an easy road and much pain could have been avoided by having some direct and intentional conversations up front, at the very beginning.

But life isn’t always as neat and tidy as it should be… and all of us are prone to not pay close enough attention at the start of a wide variety of things.  Even though we know better.

Today though, I think the consequences of being careless are rapidly becoming greater than they may have been in the recent past.  With a lot of common moral ground quickly eroding and the explosion of the hook-up culture and even the debate over sexual mores within many Christian churches…

Knowing who you are, what you believe, and what you want is possibly more important now than ever.

And there is indeed great wisdom in putting all our cards on the table up front—before our emotions (or more) become entangled with someone that really doesn’t want the same things out of life that we do.

Yes, there are always exceptions.  Some people of different faiths have had great marriages.  Some people of the same faith have gotten divorced.

It’s not about guarantees.  It’s about being obedient and putting yourself and others in the best possible position to live a life of greatest usefulness to God an in service to the needs of a broken and hurting world.

Think about that the next time some Fifty Shades of Grey poster asks you if you’re… Curious?

That’s the oldest trick in the book.  Literally…

– Rik

 

The love shoebox

In Old Fashioned, one of the most charming and creative ways that Amber brings a spark of spontaneity into Clay’s life is through an ordinary shoebox decorated by her hand.

It is carefully crafted.  It bears his name.  It calls him to choose.

Inside the box are little scraps of paper with inventive and unexpected date ideas for the two of them the experience with one another.  He’s only allowed to pick on at a time; and, no peeking is allowed.

I don’t want to give away much more because what would be the fun in that?

But with Valentine’s Day right around the corner… some of you might be looking for romantic ideas to share with the object of your affection.

Maybe you just met someone new and are looking for ways to make your time together intentional and create opportunities to really get to know one another at a deeper level…

Maybe you’ve been married for a while and are looking to spice things up…

Maybe you’re still single and dreaming of the future…

In whatever state you find yourself this Valentine’s Day, it might be fun to take some time and think outside the box… think of experiences and adventures you would really like to share with someone you love and write them down… and then maybe put those ideas inside a box!  A shoebox, no less!  And decorate that shoebox with words and images that have significant and personal meaning…

And who knows, one of the ideas inside could be… see Old Fashioned in the theatre on opening weekend!

Couldn’t resist :)…

Lots of love…

– Rik

 

3 unlikely first date questions

As discussed here before, Clay Walsh—the peculiar character that runs the small, college-town antique shop from which Old Fashioned derives its title—has a lot of theories.

Here’s another:

“You know more after a job interview for delivering pizzas than you do after most dates.”

It’s one of the many, many reasons Clay has for isolating himself, not dating much at all in a long time, and not really even giving anyone a chance.  Not even the radiant Amber, who comes into town like a breeze and now rents the apartment above his shop.  And believe me, Amber is the kind of woman who deserves a chance!

Clay is a man of extremes, there’s no denying.  He is in love with his own ideas to a fault—to the point of almost missing what might be his last chance at true love.

BUT.

He has at least the makings of a point here.

When you think of the general level of conversation that happens early on in the dating process, it can be a little shallow and not reveal all that much about who someone is or what’s important to him or her.

On the other hand, job interviews do indeed often go deeper than… “What kind of music do you like?” or “Did you get that new iPhone app yet?”

For example (from actual job applications):

1. What irritates you about other people and how do you deal with it?

2. What kind of situations do you find stressful?

3. What are the steps you follow to study a problem before making a decision?

Admittedly, not very romantic.

Even so, it’s hard to not agree that the answers to even just those three questions alone might reveal quite a bit about someone.  Possibly even more than staring into a brand new love interest’s eyes over a candlelit dinner might.

Physical chemistry (what most of early modern dating begins with) is great and exhilarating and fun, but ask anyone who’s been together for any time at all and they will tell you that “the magic” ebbs and flows.  Nothing wrong with it per se, but it’s not everything.

Look, I know that dating (or courting or… whatever) isn’t a job interview; and, being a couple should never feel like an employee/employer relationship…

That said, the idea of being a little more intentional early on in a relationship is probably not a bad one… even if Clay might take it a little too far.

Just for fun, you can get a whole list of job interview questions here.

Or, for a more balanced approach to getting to know someone, you can check out some of the questions and experiences shared by Ginger Kolbaba in the official companion book to our film/novel, The Old Fashioned Way.

One final thing from the job interview process that also isn’t a bad idea to add to the dating mix as well…

References.  Always get references :)…

– Rik

 

Curious?

50ShadesVsOF1200Timing is everything.

To repeat, just for the record, it has been over a 10-year journey getting Old Fashioned to the silver screen.  Not an uncommon story in the making of many films, but still…

From the initial idea to eventually writing the script and raising the money… all the way up to learning that Fifty Shades of Grey was releasing their film as a mainstream, romantic date-night movie… and deciding to wait and release our film on the same weekend—Valentine’s Day 2015.

More than ten years.

I mention the time frame—again—because it’s important to reiterate that Fifty Shades of Grey wasn’t even on our radar during the years we were developing and financing Old Fashioned.

We didn’t set out to make Old Fashioned as a response to any other book or movie… we were simply trying to craft a love story that was God-honoring and took a counter-cultural approach to many of the sexual mores of contemporary American society.

Even so, when the opportunity arose to release our film at the same time… well, that was and is a deliberate choice for which we make no apology.  We think it’s a great chance to engage culture in a discussion about that world we are creating, for ourselves and those that follow.

And this opportunity only became available to us because of… timing.  And, more specifically, I would say… God’s timing.

All the delays, struggles, “almosts” and the wide variety of hurdles we had to overcome to get our film made and ultimately released in theatres nationally—the very kinds of things that can easily make one question God—I now honestly believe were all placed there by God.

“For such a time as this” as the Scripture goes.

This really hit me hard recently as I was walking through some airports and movie houses…

Curious?

The big, seductive, cinematic ad entices.  And it’s everywhere.  Fifty Shades calling out to all those who walk by… including families with little children, young girls on the brink of womanhood, high school boys looking for role models, married couples getting bored with each other…

Curious about what?

Things that will lead to wholeness and a greater sense of self-worth?  Things that will create more healing in our hearts and less emotional damage?  Things that will inspire us to live up to our best natures?

Or… ?

We live in a sex-obsessed culture.  It is undeniable.  Hooking up has virtually become a national pastime.  We worship physical beauty and pleasure and amusement and anyone who denies that just isn’t paying attention or is being willfully blind.  I’m not saying that it’s worse than any other time in human history, but it is increasingly becoming more obvious and with the unending advance of technology, increasingly relentless and hard to avoid.

All that said, throwing stones at the obvious doesn’t really help anyone.

And the truth is that we also live in a time when any kid with access to a computer and no parental supervision can see—in about three seconds—far worse than whatever the film version of Fifty Shades will offer.

So what’s the big deal?

As I’ve commented before, it’s precisely the coy, cultural grin and collective “no big deal” attitude and embrace of Fifty Shades that is what sets it apart—especially once they made the decision to release the film on Valentine’s Day and mass market it as an aspirational romantic option.

Still, when an erotic novel trilogy sells over 100 million copies worldwide, it’s clear that it is offering something that people want.  Why shouldn’t filmmakers try and get a piece of that action?

We live in a free society, and I’m grateful for that.  No one is calling for censorship or a boycott or anything like that at all.  We are merely exercising our right to challenge the status quo and offer up a choice that—we believe—considers a more beautiful and noble way of approaching love and romance.

The stories to which we give our time and money and lift up for adulation… those stories will eventually shape who we are and what we become.  That’s a sobering thought.

When it comes to racism and bigotry in film and literature… the importance and power of this is (thankfully) realized universally.

But what do we really want for ourselves, romantically?  What do we truly hope for those that are closest to us, that we care most about?  What kind of legacy do we want to leave for those that follow?

We’re not saying that Old Fashioned is perfect or that everyone has to agree with every choice made by Clay and Amber (the very human and flawed lead characters in our film), but our story is one that is honestly searching for more than exploitation or objectification… and that matters.

This Valentine’s Day weekend is a chance to make a statement.

We hope and pray you will join us in our David v. Goliath stand-off against a cultural juggernaut that has way more in terms of money and media access than we can even imagine.  We sure can’t do it alone…

You can find our current list of theatrical markets here.

Chivalry can indeed make a comeback… if enough people genuinely want it to.

– Rik

 

Virtue is its Own Reward

The blog about courtship that I linked to in my last post has continued to seriously stir the pot and receive both a lot support and criticism all at the same time… just like most hot-button topics.

I don’t really want to dive into that debate head-on, but I couldn’t help but make one small, general observation amidst all the diatribes that got me thinking along some very personal lines…

Made me reflect on some memories from my own life, some of which actually ended up being the first seeds planted that—many years later—fully blossomed and led me to write the screenplay for Old Fashioned.

First, the observation: In this current debate about courtship/dating, it seems to me that a lot of the strongest push-back is coming from folks that come from highly conservative, restrictive religious environments of one sort or another.

And that makes sense to me, especially in scenarios where young people didn’t necessarily make these decisions for themselves and/or attempted to do everything the “right” way and yet still find themselves alone or in a bad marriage or otherwise unsatisfied in their romantic lives.

When things don’t work out the way we want, we need to find a reason… someone or something to blame.  In doing so, we often tend to demonize the familiar or naively romanticize other systems/lifestyles/cultures that—from the outside—seem to possess the greener pastures for which we are longing.

But there is no formula, no sure-fire perfect path to Utopia (in terms of temporal results).  Not on this Earth.

That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t pursue the good and noble; we should.  And that goes for all areas of our lives—not just romantic.  But we should “do the right thing” for its own sake, not as some kind of bargain with God to ensure that everything works out for our ease and comfort as long as we make no serious mistakes.

The world is a mess and we aren’t in control of others or much at all, really.  You can make all the best choices… live within the lines… never sin at all… and people can still hurt you.  Bad things can still happen to you.  Just ask Jesus.

To be a hero is to let virtue be its own reward.  When it comes to affairs of the heart, this world needs a whole lot more heroes…

And I know for a fact that the “other side” (the one that isn’t restrictively religious, etc.) is no picnic, either… because that’s where I grew up.  How that relates to the above and how it helped lead to the writing of Old Fashioned?  Next time…

– Rik

 

What Do You Mean by Courtship?

An interesting blog questioning the idea of courtship (loosely defined) made the rounds about a week ago and has stirred a lot of discussion and debate.  If such things interest you, it might be worth a look:

http://www.thomasumstattd.com/2014/08/courtship-fundamentally-flawed/

From my reading, it seems like there is a rather wide variety of definitions when it comes to what the word courtship means or to what it is referring, exactly.  What, in fact, courtship is or isn’t.

On one end of the spectrum, the descriptions are fairly broad and apply to many cultures over the centuries and include the ideas of intention, accountability, mutual respect, and the avoidance of unwise isolation, etc.

On the other end, things can get quite a bit more specific and lengthy and more uniquely of this moment in time and the modern “courtship movement” that has gained a lot of traction in some circles.

How does this relate to our little indie film?  Well, the tagline for Old Fashioned is…

“A former frat boy and a free-spirited woman together attempt the impossible: an ‘old-fashioned’ courtship in contemporary America.”

So, in that context, what does that mean… exactly?

Good question.  Ultimately, the film will have to answer that for itself… and I don’t want to give away too much this far in advance.  But, what I can say here is that Old Fashioned is far more about grown-up second chances than it is about first love under strict parental supervision, etc.

The guy and girl in our love story aren’t teenagers and they both bring some brokenness and baggage to their search for something greater than just another hook-up or a culture that routinely makes light of the objectification of both women and men.

Old Fashioned is about the challenging yet joyful exploration to find—against tremendous odds—the kind of romantic wholeness and healing relationships for which God created all of us… whether it’s called courtship or dating or fill-in-the-blank, however defined.

But, since we are indeed on the topic of definitions…

Court∙ship

“The wooing of one person by another” (dictionary.com).

“The activities that occur when people are developing a romantic relationship that could lead to marriage or the period of time when such activities occur” (merriam-webster.com).

For the record, if there is any doubt, both of those particular interpretations would definitely apply to the love story found in Old Fashioned.

– Rik